Harry Potter and year seven
by darkmarkgirl
Summary: A parody of all the overused book 7 ideas out there. Features superpower!harry angsty!harry sappy!ginny angry!voldemort and lots more! much sarcasm. rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

This is a parody of book 7 fics. I by no means mean to insult any author in any way, and I think some ideas used in fics are quite good. But some are really overused and annoying, so I am making fun of it! If you are going to take it seriously, don't read it.

Harry was once again sitting in his bedroom at number four, privit drive, alone. The author had conveniently forgotten that Ron and Hermione had promised to go with him, or just didn't care. After shouting and throwing a temper tantrum at the Dursleys for asking him to do chores, he had retired to his room. Now he was sulking about Dumbledore's death, even though he got over it at the funeral. Oh well. Who doesn't like angsty Harry?

So he was sitting there, immensely bored, when he could be looking up research about hocruxes. Also he was planning his revenges on snape, with newly aquired curse words.

"Fuck that stupid bastard!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs, jumping out of his chair and throwing knives at the wall. Recently, Harry had discovered that he was secretly a shadow mage, the heir of merlin. So he could throw knives. Even though it was a muggle way of attacking other people.

So while Harry was having a little temper tantrum with his nice little knives, a owl flew in. This was still the only way of corresponding with each other. Who cared if the death eaters intercepted his letter?

Harry gave one last loud screech and flew over to the window. Well, he didn't really fly. The author just thought it sounded better.

It read:

Dear Harry,

I hope you are well and the Dursleys are nice. We should pick u up in a couple of days. OMG im so worried about NEWTS! 'Cause that's all I worry about. I am cool that way. Oh, by the way, me and Ron have stepped up our relationship a lot. OOOOOO. Now I'm pregnant with redheads! We had a LOT of fun together. So fuck you if you are jealous, I don't give a shit. Go fight Voldemort! I love you Harry.

Love from Hermione.

Harry, being draft, did not understand the third to last sentence. Or was it the second to last? The author didn't know. Harry picked up the next letter and instantly it began to shout at him:

POTTER YOU STUPID ARSEHOLE! U HAVE HURT MY SISTER NOW I WILL KILL YOU! ME AND MY WEASLEY BROTHERS! SO DON'T COME HERE AGAIN!

The howler shrivled leaving a very confused Harry potter staring at the remains. He wasn't that bright and didn't get the message. So he went downstairs. His uncle Vernon was waiting at the bottem of the stairs.

"What do you want, freak?" he growled, his only name for Harry besides 'boy' in the fandom.

"Get out of the way!" threatened Harry, raising his wand and forgetting he still had a month to go till he was seventeen. "I am a shadow mage! Or the heir of merlin! Oh fuck it it doesn't matter! Get out of the way!"

"I-" began Vernon, but Harry was to quick for him.

"YOU STUPID BASTARD! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! MY PARENTS DIED AND YOU LEFT ME TO ROT IN A CUPBOARD! AND NONE OF THE STUPID FANFICTION AUTHORS EVER MENTION THAT I AM CLAUSTROPHOBIC! AND THEN I GOT BITTEN BY SPIDERS AND THE FIC TURNED INTO A SPIDERMAN CROSSOVER! AT LEAST IT ISNT BUFFY THE VAMPIRE! NOW IM SPIDERMAN AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE CAUSE THE LAST TIME I TRIED TO SWING I KNOCKED SNAPE OVER AND HE GOT BRAIN DAMAGE! AND NOW HE HATES ME!"

"Uh…."

"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" Harry yelled again, spit flying everywhere. a dark shadow began to glow on his face. A long pointy author squeels knife appeared in his left hand.

"Okay," yelled Vernon panicky and he dived into Harry's old cupboard, thus receiving his deserving punishment.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Harry ran to answer it. There on the doorstep was five very funny looking clowns. One with dark hair was wearing a clown nose, looking disgruntled. The others were wearing ruffles and pom-poms and curly red wigs, all with sour-puss looks on their faces. Long hoods were over their faces and they were wearing white masks badly decorated with rainbow glitter. They were somehow familiar…

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Harry screamed in their faces.

"OVERUSEDLATINOLEPEUS!" they all screeched together, bringing up their wands to his face. There was a blast of gray light and Harry hit the wall with a loud smack. The clowns

cheered and started doing the 'death dance' twirling and spinning around. Dolovov's wig fell off, revealing his bald head. He blushed and hurridly put it back on.

"KWELOPOUS!" screamed Harry, pointing his wand at their faces. It didn't work. All the clowns continued dancing the death dance, which looked oddly like the Macarena.

Harry was getting frustrated. VERY frustrated. He stood there steaming, watching the Death eaters doing the death dance. Whoops. The author gave it away!

"HEYA HEYA!" cried Bellatrix, and there was a cheer as they all swooshed their butts in a circle and jumped around.

By then red steam was erupting from Harry's head. He didn't like dancing clowns. Hell, he didn't like clowns at all! His cold emerald orbs were not orbs anymore. They were firebolts! Oh shit, that's the name of his broomstick.

"AiIiiiIEEEEE!" Harry yelled, and charged right into the mass of dancing death eaters, wand held forward like a sword. They all yelled and scrambled for the exit, Dolovov's wig falling off as he ran, belletrix's clown nose squeeking as she honked it excitly on her nose.

So it was then the order arrived at Harry's house, their jaws hanging open at the sight of Harry screaming, "Camelot! Camelot!" and chasing the clown suited death eaters around the house with his wand held out in front.

"It's just a modox" muttered moody.

"Harry!" cried lupin in genuine concern. "What are u doing? Your supposed to be fighting Voldemort and finding the horcurxes! Fuck, I just gave it away!"

"Fuck that!" yelled Harry, trying to punch a cackling Macibir who was squirting silly string in his face. "I don't care!"

"You should care, Harry," said Hermione seriously, appearing out of nowhere.

"Harry…please!" cried Ginny. "Don't do it! Don't be like Tom Riddle! Oh, now I'm getting all upset with these terrible memories!"

Harry paused, and Macibir squirted the last of the silly string in his face, then Dissaperated. All that was left of him was a pair of pink boxers. "Ooooooo," said Harry. "I think this will fit my bum nicely. Then he turned to Ginny, huffing and puffing. "Thanks a lot, Ginny," Harry said. "I almost got him!"

"Your going to blow the house down," said Ginny stubbornly, although that didn't fit in with the mood of the previous paragraph.

"GOD!" yelled Ron. "This is a fanfic! Kiss already!"

"Ginny, will you forgive me for being such a prat?" asked Harry getting on bended knee.

"Duh!" she said, and they smooched. Suddenly they broke apart. Harry's eyes had caught someone's. a girl was standing behind ginny. She was black haired, with yellow eyes, and…cat ears? But Harry thought she was beautiful, so who cared?

"I can help you with the hocruxes!" she said happily.

"Hey, Hermione doesn't need anymore help," said Ron defensivly. "She's got me!" Hermione slapped him.

"What is your name?" Harry asked, totally mystified, not noticing ginny steaming over in the corner.

"Why, its lily potter," she said. And the author thought that was a good place to leave the chapter, cause it was a HUGE cliffhanger and they were sure to get lots of nice flames for it.


	2. Chapter 2

Lord Voldemort was angry. Acually, he was angry a lot.

His serpentine face was as white as the moon and his scaly feet as green as the bog. His spidery hands were as cool as Spiderman's, and his red scarlet blood like eyes were worn from too much watching movies. His robes were as dark as the raven sky outside. Yes, he was very, very, evil. But more of that later.

He had scheduled a massage appointment at three, and the person hadn't shown up. Voldemort angrily massaged his back, feeling spikes of pain at the twisted knot below his neck. How was he supposed to rule the world with a sore back?

It maybe had something to do with his throne, he decided. But he _liked _metal! I mean, don't all evil geniuses sit on metal?

His castle was dark and bleak, 'cause most evil geniuses liked it that way. Secretly, though, Voldemort wanted something lighter. And he didn't want to sit on a metal throne all day, wondering when he would get to unleash crucio on a poor unsuspecting death eater.

And the past year, he had been doing absolutely NOTHING at all. NOTHING. Even that pathetic Malfoy (he had already crucio'd and killed him, of course) got to get out of his house. He was stuck inside this dump, without any contact. It was raining outside, and he couldn't afford to catch a cold. And he couldn't give potter nightmares either, the stupid brat learned occlumency. Thanks to the author, he had spent all of last book sitting on this throne. Maybe the fanfiction author would give him a little break.

Finally, the door burst open. Voldemort sprung up from his chair, hoping to see the massager. But it was belletrix. She came in, sopping wet with rain.

"Where have you been?" demanded Voldemort. "its half past three."

"Im sorry my lord," she answered, "its raining cats and dogs out there."

"give them to me!" cried Voldemort excitly, who secretly had a hobby for turning animals into stuffed animals. He had been keeping count and how had 1,238. luckily, his death eaters hadn't found out. He shivered at the thought of Wormtail tearing apart Cubby.

"Er," said beletrix, watching with nervousness Voldemort steaming and clutching his wand tightly with the thought of Wormtail murdering Cubby, "we were trying to capture Harry potter sir."

Voldemort let out a roar of frustration (wait, didn't Harry do that in book 5? Oh well) and screamed in her face, so hard that her clown nose fell off, "YOU DUMMY! I TOLD U NOT TO! NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!"

"what are you planning to do with him then, my lord?" sobbed Bellatrix, picking up her clown hose and cradling it.

"I DON'T KNOW!" bellowed Voldemort. "'CEPT NO ONE LISTENS TO MY SUPER EVIL GENIUS PLANS! I GAVE ORDERS IN BOOK 6 NOT TO TRY AND TAKE HIM! AND ALLTHE AUTHORS STILL DO!"

He broke down in tears, the stresses of the previous year overwhelming him. Bellatrix put a arm on his shoulders.

"There, there," she said soothingly, patting him on the back. "and what do evil geniuses do when we are sad?"

"we have sex," sniffled Voldemort, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"that's right," praised Bellatrix happily. "Unfortunately I left my special suit in my closet at home-" (she hadn't forgotten) "so we cant today. So youll just have to deal with it."

"Butt…its been a year and no word from anybody! My back hurts, the massagist never showed up, and the throne is too hard! _And_ I feel pathetic!"

"My lord," came a cold voice from the front of the room and Voldemort looked out from under belletrix's arm to see snape hurrying into the room. "I have a plan how to eradicate all the muggles. One even Harry potter cannot spoil."

"what is it?" asked Voldemort curiously, snuggling Cubby for support. Belletrix sniggered.

Snape leaned closer, a evil leer on his face, and the others huddled in a circle, listening to snape's evil plan, and when they were done, they all laughed evil genius laughes, 'cause they liked to.


	3. Chapter 3

So Harry, Ron and Hermione were standing there with the rest of the order staring at the woman in the cat-suit. Their jaws hung open like seesaws.

"Well?" she said impatiently. "run up to me! Hug me! I'm your mother, idiot!"

Harry was rapidly turning a beet red. Part of him wanted to run up to him and hug her, and part of him wanted to turn her into mincemeat. But the fanfiction author liked angry Harry, so…

"YOU FILTHY DEATH EATER!" he screamed and ran at her, pinning her to the floor and starting to say 'Crucio' because that's the only spell he likes to say when he is angry.

"No, silly!" she laughed, her wondrous green bottle green cool green eyes blinking at him lovingly from her position on the ground. "I'm your mother, secretly in hiding all these years!"

"THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE U IN A CATSUIT?" Harry screamed.

"'Cause I'm catwomen!"" she yelled at him. "and did you notice my catlike eyes? Aren't they cool? It shows I have superpowers too!"

"Fuck that!" Harry screeched. "I'm Spiderman! Spiderman's cooler!"

"Ah, screw it," said Lily Potter. "Should I explain to you how I turned up here all of the sudden?"

Harry was about to reply when Lupin came running out of nowhere. "LILY! OMG! DID U KNOW I WAS IN LOVE WITH U? AND NOW IM ALL HAPPY INSTEAD OF DEPRESSED!"

The author didn't really know how Remus would reply to that, so he fell silent.

"OMG!" Lily yelled. "DID U KNOW I STILL HATE JAMES POTTER? YEAH! THAT's RIGHT!"

Harry could faint from shock, or he could stay awake and bitch about his hard life. He choose the latter.

"WELL I DON'T GIVE! MY JOB IS HARDER AND NOW IM STRESSED OUT AND SHIT!"

"k…." said Ron, and then he kissed Hermione.

"Let's all apparate to the Burrow even though we don't have our licenses!" Harry said to Ron randomly.

"COOL! Then you can show up the minister again even though u already did in book 6!" Ron declared.

So they did.

Meanwhile, the author was slowly _(slowly_) getting aware of the detoriating quality of the fic, so they decided to add in all the descriptions of the Burrow. Yes, there are chickens. Yes, Molly Weasley is fat 'cause she eats too much. Yes, no one gives a shit about Percy anymore.

So overemotional Molly was still crying at her kitchen sink.

"Sob….omg I hope they are okay! Even though he's like so protected! What if they die? What if! What if!"

She STILL wasn't ridded of that annoying habit of carrying around that fucking clock so she did. The clock read, "mortal peril." Oh, what a shame.

All of a sudden they apperated inside of the burrow.

"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM!" Ron squealed, barreling her over into the kitchen sink. "MUUUUM! YOUR OKAY! YOUR OKAY!"

While the wrong character was having an emotional breakdown, agnsty Harry was sulking in a corner about the prophecy and Hermione was trying on her slutty bridesmaid dress.

"Mummm….." Bill wined, coming into the kitchen, "my wand's too long…Fleur doesn't like it…"

"Honey, long wands are better than short wands," lectured molly, trying to dodge Ron's kisses.

"hey Ron where did you get the owl?" Harry asked out of nowhere, but Ron was busy kissing his mommy.

"RONNNNNN!" wailed Harry getting ignored.

"It's too long, can you cut it!" Bill shouted, tugging at his pants.

"Sure honey," she smiled, slamming Ron into the random statue in the kitchen and taking bill's wand. "Shrinkooooooooooooooo!" Bill instantly got a weird expression on his face. Ron began munching on sausage, a hungry expression on his face. He had an expression on his face. He had a lot of expressions on his face.

"That's such a un original spell!" Mr. Weasley ('cause no one calls him Arthur) yelled from the end of the room. "Everyone uses that one!"

"OMG BILL I HATE YOUR FACE!" shrieked Fleur coming down the stairs. She was in a very beautiful, pearl, aquamarine, sapphire, beautiful, pearl, emerald, sapphire, rag.

"Wow my scars are suddenly all gone!" yelled Bill at her. "Now am I handsome?"

"I HATE YOUR WAND!"

"HELLLLOOOOO?" screeched Harry, snapping Bills wand in half and throwing it in the fire (even though it was the middle of july) "Shadow mage? Heir of Merlin? One destined to defeat Voldemort?"

"Oh shove it up your ass Harry!" yelled Hermione reading a book. "You've said that 14 times!"

"Fine I'll go bug Scrimigor!" said Harry but when he reached the door Scrimigor was already there.

'Wait let me help u Harry!" said lily exicitly coughing up another furball. "I make…FIRE FURBALLS!"

"holly shit!" scrimigor shouted and left.

"wow I am good!" said Harry and then went to watch a geico commercial, while lily shot 'firefurballs' all over the room.

Just then Ginny came running down the stairs and spotted Harry watching TV. "Hi Harry!" she squealed and gave him a slobbery kiss.

"NO ONE KISSES MY SON!" Lily Potter screamed and tackled Ginny to the floor. "HES TO YOUNG!" the two women were biting and scratching like cats. Because they were like cats and they liked cats.

Lily was just starting to win when a house fell on her head, squishing her successfully. The author was too bored of her now.

"Well that was fun while it lasted!" said Harry excitedly and hugged Ginny. "Want to have kids early?"

"Duh!" she giggled in a American accent and they ran upstairs with Arnold the Pygmy Puff.

"WHERE ARE YOU DUMBASSES?" Fleur screeched from the doorway. They all squinted because the gems from her dress were temporarily blinding them. "The wedding's about to start!"

"Oh, lets go," said Mrs. Weasley. "We cant miss the wedding! Harry might get hurt!" she grabbed her KODAK camera and raced out the door in a flowery apron, 'cause that's all what she wore.

"Yeah!" agreed Ron and they all left, forgetting that Harry and Ginny were still in the house.

Meanwhile, Bella had decided that she was _not_ going to displease her master. Who else could she have little Dark Lords with?

"Ready?" she said to a random Death Eater who was doing up his coat.

"Ready, foxy," he swore.

"Ready, baby," she grinned the author forgetting that 'grinned' was not an action of speech.

Bill was at the alter, letting Fred and George prank him, 'cept they were'nt doing anything.

"BORIINNNNGGGGG!" fred yelled.

_I want to be an American Idiot,_

"What is that? Song lyrics?" George screamed at Bill, who was busy checking that he had enough Silly Putty in his hair. "They don't even match!"

"WHO CARES?" roared Mr. Weasley. "This is America not Britain you arseholes!"

"Oh fuck that," said George. "Let's go watch American Idol."

So they skipped away. "Oh, boys," sobbed Mrs. Wealsey. She sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more.

Then she drowned in her own tears because the author didn't like her.

"Hello," said a voice behind Bill, and he turned to see a fat man in a golden coat behind him. "I'm Goldmember, and its my duty to make your wedding _happy_!" he grinned happily and showed teeth.

"what do you have for me?" asked Bill warily.

So 10 minutes later, Bill was standing uncomfortably at the Alter with roses, flowers, flowers, roses, fake snow, cotton balls, dead birds, and everything else with Fleur standing across from him. In all the happiness, no one noticed some people very out of place sitting in the chairs. There was one lady with a big fro and a slutty outfit, and two weirdoes with horn-rimmed glasses and frills all over.

"Crap," said Ron loudly. "They are worse than me!"

"'Ow, Bill!" screeched Fleur. "'Do 'No 'tell 'mik 'that 'u 'had 'ze 'groth 'spur!'" she pulled out a copy of _The guide to Sucky French. _"'Stop! 'Stop i!"

"I just want to please you, luve," smiled bill at her, itching at the bulging mass in his dress robes. Mrs. Weasley threw up on the ground and then turned to Arthur.

"WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS FEED YOU?" she screeched at him and then poured estrogen down Bill's throat. They got into a tackle fight with lots and lots of tackling.

"Its genes, molly!" Arthur protested, dodging her mace with lots of cool spikes on it. And then he got angry and protective. "DON'T YOU DARE INSULT MY MUMMY!"

"Haha!" announced the platinum-gold dressed Goldmember in the back row. "My plan to kidnap Harry potter is working! Once they get upset-" _Look at that! Look at his balls!" _they will be distracted! And then we will wreak havoc!

Through Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's fight, Harry stood up randomly. His eyes were cold and green and cold again. They looked like evil penguins. "Attention, inferiors," he said warmly. "I am going out to LIVE! And then die. And then live!" he looked at Mrs. Weasley to see if she would yell at him, but she was too busy beating her husband into pulp. "SCUM! FILTH! DIRT! ROCKS!"

"Hey we should do that too!" announced all the other wives and started beating the living snot out of their husbands. From somewhere far off, Dr. Phil applauded and then got beat up by a ton of chauvinist men.

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" screeched Harry, standing on the bulge in Bill's dress robes. _(Agh! Harry! It's gold, 400 KT!) _"WHY AREN'T YOU YELLING AT ME? I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL NEXT YEAR!"

"WHO GIVES!" yelled Hermione, beating up Ron. Harry was starting to get mad again. And everyone knows what happens when Harry gets mad…

"RAGHHH!" Harry whispered quietly and started blowing up the campsite. People started screaming and running uselessly in other directions. The death eaters cheered.

"For once its not us!" and they cheered on the fanfic writer.

"NOOOOOO!" screeched Bellatrix, smacking a cheering death eater on the head. "We have to be evil! Remember the plan?"

"Uh…." Said the death eaters thinking hard.

"what was it again?"

"AUSTIN POWERS YOU IDIOT!" Bellatrix screamed at them, tearing out her hair in strands.

The death eaters all ran like girls up to the stage while everyone else was running around and Harry was still on top of Bill screaming at all of the other people. Dolovov pointed his wand at the stage and it lit up in GROOVY colors.

"WTF? Yelled Harry getting interrupted.

"ATTENTION ALL!" Bellatrix screamed into the microphone. "this is the part of the fic where we bond Harry and Ginny together using violence! Because that is what the world is about!

"NOOOOO! NOT GROOVY STUFF!" yelled Percy diving under his desk and dying from lack of 17th century. "NOOOOOOO!"

Disco lights went up and Dolovov, in frills and glasses, stepped up to the microphone.

Slowly everyone was suffering from the lack of not having technology. Harry was suffocating. Ginny was dying of who knows what. Hermione and Ron were long since decomposed.

"God," said the reader, "this is depressing."

"I think it's working," said Bellatrix excitedly to Avery, observing the climatic scene in front of them.

"Hell yeah!" said Avery. "Like, the dark lord will be, like, totally cool!"

"we don't talk stupid, remember?" said Bellatrix, patting him on the head. "we use cool words looked up in the thesaurus!" "now to blow up more stuff!"

Suddenly Harry got a burst of strength, using his power of loooooooooveeeeeeeee. He thought of all his sweet memories. _I remember….the first time I loved someone….it was cool. _He got into a Asian-ish meditating position and a pink glow surrounded him.

"Er, Bellatrix," stuttered a death eater, "shouldn't we get out of here? It looks like he's about to do something incredibly cool and amazing."

"Hell no!" cried Belletrix, running a comb through her fro. "we always win, remember?"

Just then Harry spontaneously combusted and the death eaters were splattered with pink magic!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Bellatrix, running towards the saftey of the woods under the heavy hail of pink goo. "I WILL GET YOU HARRY POTTER!" she yelled peeking out from behind the tree. But her fellow death eaters were still out there.

"oooo, its cotton candy," said one death eater excitedly, pawing at the pink goo and then screaming as it exploded in his face.

"OH YEAH!" sang Harry like a nightingale, hopping up and down on Bill, "ITS EXPLODING!"

"GET OUT OF HERE YOU IMBICILES!" screeched Bellatrix, her eyes filling with a enraged fire of flames. Which were cool.

So the death eaters all disapparated away to Voldemort's Palace. Or dungeon. Or cave. Or swamp.

"I'M IN DANGER, SEE?" yelped Harry, pointing to the fro left behind by Bellatrix. The whole wedding was a smoking piece of ash. The flowers were burnt as well as the chairs. Also the Burrow was burnt down because the author wanted it to seem like it was Harry's fault his friend lost his home. And everyone in their right mind hates the Weasleys.

"Oh, and Harry?" asked Bill, coming up from behind Harry.

"what?" asked Harry, tearing apart Bellatrix's fro in his hands.

"Fleur died."

"How?" asked Harry bluntly.

"Well," said Bill searching his mind for something dramatic, "The house fell on her."

"Well I know how it feels, seeing that my parents, Cedric, and Sirius died." Said Harry soberly. "I feel so sad sometimes…I want to go to their graves and talk to them and tell them about my lost teddy bear. And my boring school life. " HINT HINT. "I feel really sad. Poor me…loosing them at such a young age."

"WAAAAA!" sobbed Bill through his tears.

"Well since you are obviously not feeling sorry for me," said Harry angrily, "I'm going to join the GOODBYE SLUT party." And off he went across the smoking lawn.

Bill sniffled a little, fingering the fang earring he still hadn't taken off since the fourth book because all the female writers thought it was hot. "_Now," _he thought, _"Should I stand here and do a Harry, or go join the party?"_

"_Ah," _he decided, _"I'll join. She didn't like my new addition anyway." _So he went and joined the party, deciding suddenly to hook up with Tonks. Oooooh.

"I like Crookshanks," said Harry, grinning.

"Harry," said Ron, frowning, "you're not supposed to be happy. You're a highly emotional character."

"Well fuck that!" yelled Harry and threw the unsuspecting Ron into the bowl of _Bye-bye Fleur _tropical punch.

_Do you hate Harry yet? _

_Next up: Harry's scar acts up, AGAIN, the trio decides to make a visit to Grimmald palace and they find out how hard it really is to destroy a Horcrux…. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Welcome back! And without further ado, on with the stupidity! _

The Golden Trio landed in Grimmald Place. Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked around cautiously.

"Shhh…" said Hermione, closing the door behind them, "there might be a death eater in here."

"Where? Where!" cried Harry frantically. "Is it Snape? Is it!"

And he ran around in circles spinning his arms around like a pinwheel until he collapsed.

"No, Snape is busy" came a deep voice from the corner. "It's me, Regulus Black!"

"Who the hell are you?" asked Ron raising the corner of his mouth.

"R.A.B, of course!" he annouched proudly. "Call me BAR for short."

"Oh, of course!" Hermione took out her guide to _Stalking Random People in the Harry Potter Fandom. _"It says right here: Regulus Black is R.A.B! Why didn't I think of it before?"

"HI!" squealed Harry running up to Bar and giving him a great big bear hug.

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?" asked Ron.

"RON!" wailed Harry. "I'm the one who is supposed to be the leader!"

"Nah I got resurrected by the author, someone has to help you on your travels because you all really suck."

"THANKS!" screamed Ron and gave him another hug.

"Bartender!" giggled Harry.

"Uh…."

"Ok lets go find the locket!" exclaimed Hermione sadly. "Because in the Order of the Phoenix book there is a random moment when Sirius finds a locked with a big S on it!"

"A big S?" said Harry, frowning. Then he smiled. "That stands for SCAR! Wow I'm so famous!"

"Lets go then" said Bar skipping off.

"WAIT!" Harry yelled blocking the friend's path. "Let's use my Shadow Mage powers to get there!"

"Ok," said Ron randomly and they all turned into Shadows (Kingdom Hearts, anyone?) and went to the drawing room.

"Ew," said Harry. "What the fuck was that Kingdom Hearts reference for, anyway?"

"Shut up!" yelled Bar, clutching his Sora doll to him tightly. "I think it's cool!"

"TEDDY WAS COOLER!" wailed Harry getting all upset. Then Hermione sent him to go clean up Sirius's room. So he went, crying all the way.

"Hey look what I found!" Ron exclaimed, pulling out a big box out of nowhere. "The locket!"

"Ok lets destroy it!" said Hermione, looking at it. Just then Harry came racing into the room

"Guess what guys!" he said merrily. "My scar hurts! Time for another Voldemort Vision!"

"YAY!" Ron shouted and Bar said, "Ill get the popcorn!"

Ginny said holding Harry's hand, "Ill be with you Harry, you know I will."

"Get off," said Harry impatiently, "I'm about to get attention!"

"WAAAAH!" Ginny started crying and then rushed back to the burrow to get her pistol. Mr. Weasley was lying on the ground already with several shots in him when she got there.

"Mum, what's that?" she asked pointing to the dead body on the ground.

"Nothing!" Mrs.Weasley yelled, hurridly hiding the gun behind her back. "Go shoot someone!"

"Okay!" Ginny said miserably and skipped off.

Meanwhile at Grimmald Place Harry was sitting upside down on the floor waiting for his vision.

"ARE YOU INSANE?" Ron screeched in Harry's ear so loudly that he almost lost his balance. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Don't be silly, Ron!" said Hermione reproachfully. "He's training for the Olympics!"

"Fuck no!" giggled Harry, waving his feet in the air as if he was trying to walk on the ceiling. "It helps get all the blood to my head! Oh, here it comes!"

All of a sudden blood began pouring out of Harry's scar in gallons. He screamed excitedly. "Look! Look! It's happening!"

"That's never happened in the books!" Hermione screamed waving her hands frantically.

"Who cares?" asked Percy coming in the room. "This will make a great news story! _Harry Potter becomes Prune._"

"GET OUT OF HERE YOU BLEEDING AHOLE!" Ron shouted and began beating up Percy.

"Help me, HELP ME!" screeched Harry, blood still pouring out by the bucketful. And then the locket started glowing REALLY brightly.

"Oh shit, this is like, the perfect timing," snarled Hermione. She was putting on mascara.

"HELLLLP!" Harry wailed.

"I can't," said Bar. "I'm dead, remember?"

"Wait a minute!" Ron exclaimed. "I've got a plan!"

"Oh stop with the lame Potter Puppet Pal references!" said the reader.

So they all sat on top of Harry and whispered evilly together.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

GINNY: AN INTRULUDE.

"What the fuck is an interlude?" Ginny asked the big boomy voice.

"I've no idea!" yelled the voice. "Get on with it already!"

Running upstairs to Sirius's room where Harry was dying, (COOL!) Ginny was thinking. This was strange, since she wasn't supposed to think a lot. She was only good for listening to Harry's troubles and snogging him.

Ginny had a BIG surprise for Harry.

And she had to mope first so it would be more exciting.

Ginny loved Harry. She did. A lot. Okay. She felt really bad for him since he probably would die in the next few months. Who would serve her dinner every night? Who would she have sex with? Who else could she scream at every day?

And then it struck her. Harry was already dead. He was a goner.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ginny screamed and fell to her knees. "HARRRYYYYY POOOOOTTTTTTTEEEEER!" Quickly she rearranged the dress robes that looked FABLOUS on her that Harry had bought, suddenly having a taste for good clothes. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!""""""""""""""""

"Are you still a virgin, Virginia?" asked a voice from nowhere that sounded oddly like Tom Riddle.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"" SHE SCREAMED, USING UP HALF THE AIR IN GRIMMUALD PLACE. (breath) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FAT ASS!"

While Tom riddle checked his ass hurriedly in the mirror and his diet chart, Ginny made her quick escape from the evil voice.

And then she ran upstairs, knowing that she would always love Harry and spend the rest of her life moping.

(A/N) I hope this showed how Virginia Wesleysey likes Harry. Virginia got Harry pregnant and thehy're going to haveve a kidd!

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Upstairs Hermione was sobbing over the dying Harry, Ron was whacking Percy with Mrs. Blacks screaming portrait, and Bar was standing there reading the Quibbler.

"ACKKK!" Harry yelled. "I'm dying!"

"Okk…." Muttered Bar, checking the quiz in the Quibbler (HA! IT RHYMES! BEAT THAT!) "'I'm dying' means….you are going to have a long life!"

"COOL!" yelled Harry. THANKS!"

"Wait a minute!" said Hermione throwing down a random book. "I've got a plan!"

"HEY THAT'S MY LINE!" SCREAMED Ron.

(My pinky finger hurts from using the shift key too much so now I have to have surgery. It's all YOUR fault!)

So she picked up the little locket thingy and shoved it against Harry's scar.

"AGGHHHH!" screamed Harry. "CONNECTIONS! I FEEL IT! IT'S LIKE THE SEVENTH HOCRUX!"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Harry?" Ron squealed bashing Percy's head into the floorboards.

The blood was spurting out on the floor from both sides of the locket even more now. The blood was now about four feet high. It was sexy.

"IT BURNS LIKE FIRE ON METAL!" Harry screamed clutching his scar.

"SHIT IT DIDN'T WORK!" yelled Hermione.

"Ni how" said Harry dumbly. Cho Chang whacked him with a Firebolt.

"IVE GOT AN IDEA!" Ginny yelled running into the room and was almost immediately drowned by blood.

"WERE ALL GOING TO DIE HORRIBLE, AMBIDEXROUS DEATHS!" Hermione screeched.

"I think we should call a vampire," said Bar. "Wait! I am one!"

"WHAT!" everyone screamed.

"Well I have to be a bit interesting don't I?" said Bar, annoyed at their stupidity. "Ready?"

"Ready."

"Ready."

"Ready."

"READ!" cried Ginny.

"SHUT UP!" everyone whispered.

"GO!"

And then he started drinking all the blood.

They all watched him as if they were watching Anime.

"Wow!" said Harry. "Someone else is going to be in my bloodline!"

"No one is in your bloodline, dumbass," said Ron.

"Idiot!" Harry said and started sobbing.

"OOOOO!" cried Ginny, "its working! And its staining my dress robes!"

But Harry was still crying.

"OOOOO shit." Said Bar.

Tears were filling up the room.

"We need another idea!" cried Hermione. "But there's nothing to do!"

"Why don't we just open the door?" asked Ginny.

Everyone stared at her. "When did you get so smart?" said Ron.

Ginny ignored him as usual since Ron usually didn't exist in her mind and opened the door. The water flowed out the door and hit the bottom with a loud crash creating a crater n the floor and sending wood flying everywhere.

There was a stunned silence as they observed the wreckage.

"I think vampires are cool," said Harry.

"Harry, do you think BABIES are cool?" said Ginny excitedly pointing at her stomach.

"What the hell are you talking about, woman?" asked Harry. "It's not like your pregnant or anything!"

"Hello?" asked Hermione angrily. "Ever watch that episode of Friends?"

Suddenly Ginny grabbed the locket from Harry and swallowed it.

"ARE YOU MAD?" Harry screamed, plunging his hand down her throat. "THAT WAS MINE! MINE!" Again he started crying, groping for the locket.

There was a loud crunching noise from Ginny's stomach. Everyone looked at it in amazement.

"The baby ate it!" said Ginny and then burped.

"Wait did you say BABY?" Harry asked confusedly. No one answered him.

Again silence.

"Well that's that," said Harry. "Lets go."

"HEY! WHO LISTENS TO YOU?" Ron SCREAMED ANGRILY. "YOU SUCK!"

"OH YEAH?" asked Harry.

"Fight! Fight!" yelled someone. They looked around and saw a stick thin American girl standing there.

"Uh, American transfer student?"

"WRONG!" mumbled Percy his head still stuck in between the floorboards. "This IS America!"

"LETS HAVE A DUEL!" Harry yelled. No one noticed Bar go over to the American student.

"OH YEAH!"

So they started fighting, punching, scratching and biting while the girls screamed in terror, unable to do anything else.

"SHADOW MAGE ISH!" Harry scrambled over and displayed fireworks which was wandless magic. "Admire me! Admire me!"

"Oooooo," said Ginny, drooling. Hermione slapped her.

"I SUCKISH!" Ron screamed and sent a spell at Harry. Harry took the spell and fainted.

"Well I guess I win!" Ron said. "BOYAH!" He did the Hate Dance.

"NOOOO, HARRY!" Ginny screamed, rushing forward. Then Ginny and Hermione looked at each other.

"This is boring," they said.

"Yeah," said Ron.

So they walked away leaving Harry lying there in the dust while he was being trampled by a neglected Buckbeak.

In the far corner of the room Bar was talking to the American girl.

"Caun yoouuu give me a tour of youuuur countrie, mrisss?"

A/N: sooooo the trio got the first hocrux, really hard wasn't it? Next mor romantic interatction wih Harry and Virginia. Cant u wait for mor of harrys amazing powers?

_Real A/N: Points to whoever can guess who Bar really is! _

_Next: Godrics Hollow….much of angsty Harry! And what did Harry see during his Voldemort vision? You've read it! Review it! _

_Many thanks to all my reviewers. You guys are number one! (Harry scrowls angrily) –author runs away-_


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